Change is in the air.

While we were eating dinner tonight, I said to Josh "When you give up control, you end up gaining it."

We've been spending a lot of time talking about parenting this last week. It's funny how we spend so much time making sure our marriage is healthy. We work hard to communicate openly and honestly with each other. But when it comes to our parenting we've been coasting for a long time. I won't say we've been bad parents and there is no condemnation for the mistakes we've made. It was just time to reevaluate our strategies. Time to seek some help and support and to be honest with our boys.

We spent the day with Mark and Lorrie on Sunday which was so needed. I don't know what we would do if we didn't have anyone out here who understands us, our history and our kids like they do. They helped us clarify and confirm some ideas. One of those things was to have conversations with the boys letting them know that we would be making some changes. No need to get into detail with them, but to just be honest and include them in the process.

As we drove home late in the night, Jonah fell asleep but Cason was awake and it was a great moment to talk to him. Then yesterday while Cason was at his new therapy playgroup, Jonah and I got to have a date. Both boys listened carefully but had no response. Maybe it's my imagination but I almost sense relief from both of them. In fact, I would say I already see glimmers of respect and trust growing.

Parenting is hard.

There is no place for selfishness. I wish I could say I've always known this, but I'm finally learning that nothing I'm doing is more important than them. I say that because I've been way to consumed with having my own space, whether in the kitchen or just in my head.

So change...on one hand we're learning to be stricter enforcers. On the other we're learning to let go. It's a tricky balance, but we were holding too tight of a leash in some areas, but not showing the authority we needed to in others. So we let go of control to gain it.

Revival

Yesterday I was reading my sister's blog. I love that she writes so consistently. As I was reading a recent post about my nephew, I thought to myself how thankful I was that she writes because I feel like I know who my nephews and niece are, even though we live so far away. Then I thought about how she probably misses hearing about my guys since I haven't posted anything since last December. It's June and I just updated the header to say Dengler's 2010 instead of 2009, that's how neglected this space has been. So I thought I'd give it a try again.

I've been mulling over what I could write about today.

I guess I'll start by asking for allies. I'm feeling pretty desperate these days. Lonely. I'm praying for friends, a support system, engaging relationships. For me, for Josh and for our boys. We do have some friends, but there is something still missing. So I'm doing the work and keeping my eyes open.

We're having a hard time with Cason. Admittedly this is nothing new. We've just come to the point where we know we need to be proactive at turning things around, especially since he'll be going to kindergarten in the fall. He has very little self confidence which manifests itself in extreme stubbornness and explosive tantrums. We've spent far too long living in fear of the explosions and have been making poor decisions to try and avoid them. Part of the problem is having an older brother who lives in a very black and white world and has repeatedly corrected and overruled Cason's freethinking creativity. Part of the problem is from me not wanting to let him stop being my baby. He's always been small and cuddly. I grieved for so long the loss of having any other children that I didn't push him to grow up. But he's five now and in many ways he only has the maturity of a three year old. He has such a fearless personality, but increasingly he's choosing to reject new experiences and things asked of him in favor of a tantrum. This morning I took him to a tumbling class. He's been excited about it every since I told him I had signed him up. He's so physical with his body right now, climbing everything he can so this seemed like a good thing for him. He went into the class with enthusiasm but not a minute later the teacher brought him out. She had asked him his name and he threw a fit. She told us we could watch from a window for a bit and if he decided he wanted to rejoin the class he could. He refused to give it a chance, so we left. Disappointed.

Ironically, as I'm writing this I just received a phone call from a therapist who does social play groups for children. We had contacted her months ago for Jonah. At the time money was way too tight, but also she waits until she has the right mix of children. The right group may be forming for Jonah. I also asked about Cason's age and she has a five year old group that is ready for a new member as well. I love when God arranges these things. Either way I feel encouraged. She was very reassuring that due to our circumstances it's perfectly natural that Cason is who he is. I know it's not the answer to everything, but it could help.