Cason's smiles

Time for my favorite pictures of Cason in 2006. When I look through all the pictures, I realize that in 9 out 10 he's smiling. His smile lights up his whole face and reaches out and grabs you to make you smile too. I think I probably have atleast a thousand pictures of Cason on this computer and seeing all those smiles again gives me a glimpse into why this has been such a great year. It's got me so thankful that I have not one little smiling son, but two. When I say it's been a great year, I have to clarify a little, see it's not all been so great. There were some really difficult and emotional things that happened in this last year. Not too long ago I remarked to Josh that it was curious to me that at the end of this year I feel good. Meaning I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression off and on over the years, but right now I'm content, I feel balanced, okay. There have been years past that have had much lesser pains and yet I've felt much more discontent. What's different now? I think having these boys in my life brings God closer. One of the ways God has been showing me his love is through my children. For every picture I have of them smiling, I must have received a hundred more smiles that were just for me. They're my daily reminders that God is good and will do what he says he will do, and for believing that I am blessed.

He was seven months old in January. This picture will always be one of my favorites.


A sneaky little grin...


Nine months old in March and starting to cruise.


It's blurry and his head is chopped off, but those eyes just say so much. Another all time favorite.


A brother is a good thing to lay on!


A first birthday party picture with Daddy.


Hanging around in October.


Look at all those teeth!


A Christmas morning smile just for me.

Year in Review

Down to the wire now! Only four more days left in 2006. This is that wonderful time of year when we look back on the year and recount our best and worst times. The goal of course is to try and include more of the good and less of the bad in the next year. The radio, t.v. and magazines are full of the top 100 "whatevers" of 2006, so without the actually counting, I thought I'd do some looking back here too. Today I'm starting with my favorite pictures of Jonah from 2006. Going from 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 brings about many changes in a little boys life and hopefully I caught some of those moments on camera.

A visit from my dear friend Nancy in January was a special treat for Jonah. She quickly became his "Ancy" and he was very sad when it was time for her to return home.


A sleepy smile after a bath on a cold day in February.


While this picture may not seem very noteworthy it signifies two major things in Jonah's life. In May, Jonah decided he was ready to go potty on his own all the time. It literally was as if someone flipped a switch and there was no looking back. The other part is it shows his absolute love of cars, he could pour over the weekly car ads for hours and the toilet was a great place to check it out.


Finally warmer weather means picnics outside!


Taking a break from learning to ride his bike.


His first time riding rides at the fair!


Opening presents at his fourth birthday party.


First airplane ride courtesy of Uncle Joel!


First day of school!!!


No Autumn is complete without a trip to the pumpkin patch.


Having fun in Iowa over Thanksgiving weekend.


One more from the trip to the fire station.


What a year for Jonah! I can't wait to see what's in store for him over this next year. Looking back is a good reminder that when you're four everyday can bring a new experience. I hope that I remember that more often and look for more oppurtunities to share those "firsts" with him.

Christmas

We started off Christmas morning very early to the sound of giggling coming from the boys' room. We hopped out of bed because we were afraid Jonah would come out and start opening presents without us. We met him in that hall with his announcement of "There's bunches of presents under the tree!" He was very excited to see all the presents and did great being patient when we said we were going to take it slow. Did I mention it was 6:45? Yeah we didn't want the excitement to be over before the sun even came up, so we let him open one and then play with that for a bit before the next one.

He was very excited to see a new table and chairs set from Nama and Pop.


A John Deere truck and tractor set he wanted very much! (sorry about the glare)


Cason with mommy enjoying a new truck.


Cason with his activity cube.


Jonah posing in a new Cars outfit.


We spent the rest of the morning organizing the playroom. We cleaned out tons of old toys to make room for the new table set and also an easel for Jonah. I have to say I think these boys are awfully lucky to have such a nice room for play.

We headed to my parents house just before noon to spend the rest of the day celebrating Christmas with Nana and Papa, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. It was a wonderful day!

Cason is 18 months old and a trip to the fire station!

Yesterday was my little guy's 18 month birthday! It feels like time has flown by since he was born. It has been a very busy 18 months! He's growing into such a neat personality. Such a happy boy with a laugh that bubbles out of him and makes everyone around him smile. He can be fiery and stubborn one minute and then cuddle close the next. He is still very into sucking his thumb while tugging away at his right ear. He's definitely an explorer as he never stays in one spot for very long.
From this:


To this:

That second picture is from our trip to the fire station yesterday. Josh's good friend Trevor is a fireman and invited us to bring Jonah for a tour of the fire station and trucks. This is a huge thing for a little boy who loves cars and trucks. Trevor gave us the VIP tour and let Jonah climb all over the truck and play with the lights and levers that controlled the water and some that lowered the ladders and all kinds of equipment. Jonah had a wonderful time and announced when we got home that when he grows up he's going to be a fireman/football player/race car driver. Here's some more pictures...

With all of Trevors gear on! That helmet was so heavy Jonah had a hard time holding his head steady.


Looking cute by the hoses.


Sharing the experience with his brother.


Happy as a clam!


The whole family.

I've got the blahs. I've been overly crabby and snippy with Josh and the boys since yesterday. I really hate days like these. Would you mind saying a prayer for me? I'd much rather be happy and patient.

I called the county Special Education Co-op yesterday. They are about 6-8 weeks out with making appointments so it'll be awhile till we get Jonah in for more testing. We're not in a rush right now so it's okay, but I am excited to see what they will do and the results. Anything that gives us understanding for how he looks at the world is worth it.

I think all of that may be related to why I've got the blahs, but I'm not sure how. Maybe I'm feeling some denial about it. I'm working so hard to put a positive spin on it, maybe I just need to allow myself to feel sad too. I don't know.

We're also putting a close to another chapter of our lives this week. We've decided not to have any more children. I feel this is an incredibly smart move for us, but I'm still experiencing a grieving process over it. I'm so ready to move on to the next phase of life. Going back to school and watching the boys grow up, being financially stable and taking regular vacations. Getting healthy by losing some weight and gaining some freedom by having older (and fewer) children. Still being young when they are graduating from high school and college. At the same time, I really loved giving birth and breastfeeding and the whole newborn phase. Cason hits 18 months on Sunday, he won't be my baby for too much longer. I'm so thankful that God choose me to be the mommy for these precious little boys.

Another appointment update

This morning Josh and I had our third appointment with Dr. Jay (as Jonah calls him) to review his findings from our first appointment, the rating scales and his appointment with Jonah. The bottom line is he feels Jonah does have Asperger's but is cautious to actually make the diagnosis because he is only four. From what I've read the average age for diagnosis is 8, so this makes complete sense to us to proceed slowly. Thankfully we will still be able to utilize the support systems in place for parents of children with disabilities. Our next step is to have further testing done by the county's special education coop (our tax dollars giving back!).

There's a lot more to say about this but I think I'll leave it to another time.

Jonah funny

It's Sunday afternoon and we're all relaxing. Cason's napping away. Jonah was playing quietly in the play room until a little bit ago. Today he didn't nap so he had been flitting in and out of the living room. Josh was in the "comfy corner" of the couch on the computer. Here's where I admit to a flaw of mine. I tend to let things get a little cluttered if we haven't had anyone over for a while. The chaise lounge part of our couch has been getting piled on by clothing and jackets lately and today a laundry basket was added to the mix. So looking for a comfy spot to rest I shifted some stuff (including the laundry basket) over so I could curl up on the chaise. A few minutes later Jonah comes wandering out, walks right past me and this is the conversation that followed.

Jonah: Hey Daddy, where's Mama?

Josh (teasing a bit): I don't know, she just left.

Jonah: Oh yeah, where'd she go? She go to work?

I'm trying to stifle my giggles at this point.

Josh: No she didn't go to work, she just went away.

Jonah: Oh, did she go to Wal-Mart?

Josh: No, not to Wal-Mart?

Jonah: Oh, Target?

Josh: No, not Target either. Maybe she's still in the house, you should go look around a bit.

Jonah: Okay

He runs right past me to go looking. Josh and I burst into laughter, mostly because Jonah is apparantly so used to seeing a pile of clothes laying on the chaise that he doesn't even realize I'm right there.

He came back pretty quick and said he couldn't find me. I couldn't help my laughter at that point and was finally "found" by Jonah.

End of a busy week

Ahhh, it's Friday! Even better than that is I don't have to work this weekend! We were supposed to go out of town for our annual Hostetler/Hostetler/Harstine/Dengler family Christmas trip but in the end we all decided that the cost of the trip was a bit much and we'd rather save it to spend on gifts. That was fine with us and now I have a work free weekend since I had already asked off for it. I'm also excited about it as Josh is taking a vacation week next week. He hasn't taken an entire week off in several years so it's a treat. I feel that way even though he will still be working. He's putting up around 600 feet of stone for some friends of ours. But I still think he'll be around more, maybe we'll even be able to have breakfast with eachother a couple times.

We had our second appointment with the psychologist for Jonah this past Wednesday. Actually it was more like Jonah had his first appointment with him, since he asked if we minded leaving the two of them alone about five minutes into it. We joked later on that he was the most expensive babysitter we've ever paid, and we didn't even get to go anywhere. We were called back in with about five minutes left in the session. He said they played with Jonah's Tony Stewart semi-truck (it's still in go everywhere mode), colored, talked, and he did some kind of test with what looked like a picture flip book. When we told Jonah it was time to go he became upset and started protesting. This is one of the biggest areas of struggle we have with Jonah (remember the post office incident) and I mentioned that to the dr as Josh was trying to get Jonah to put his coat on. The dr. commented that this was a part of the session too. Josh picked Jonah up and he started kicking and fighting him, so he kinda apologized to the dr. He said he actually was expecting this, and had expected it to be worse. I think we had a couple factors in our favor: there were two of us, no Cason, and no previous routine established which as being interupted. We're thankful the this dr. is being very thorough and careful about making a diagnosis. Josh and I will go back next Wednesday to get the results from the questionaires we did and also get to hear the dr's opinion now that he's actually seen Jonah.

I learned of an awesome perk to my job last night. Our club is the sister club to a larger racquet and fitness center in Elkhart. I've never been over there but have heard it's nicer. One of the things they offer that we don't is massage therapy. The girl who does the accounting for both places had mentioned a massage appointment one time so when she was at our club last night I asked her about it. Turns out I can get an hour long massage for $15 because I'm a employee! Josh and I received some money from his parents for Christmas and I had decided to spend some of it on a masssage. Now I can get four massages for what I was expecting to have to spend. I thought the free membership and childcare for Josh and I was a good perk but this beats that by a mile. They have three therapists and I got the inside scoop on which was the best at relaxation massage so I've got an appointment for Monday. I can't wait.

I went to the bank this morning to open a new checking account. The manager of the branch we go to is very anti-kids. She's polite but you get the sense that she's looking down at you for deciding to raise children rather than become a bank manager like her. So it's never an easy thing to go in and do business there, but with no other time to go, I took the boys with me. Jonah was great, he entertained himself with his newly acquired Tony Stewart semi-truck. Cason was not happy that I was restricting him to my lap. This boy loves to explore. I'm trying to conduct business with Miss anti-kids while entertaining him. I give him my keys, they get tossed, so then I give him my wallet, he's one so he doesn't realize how cool that is and it gets tossed too. Finally I spot a snow globe on the desk. It looks kid friendly and so I hand it to him, which he loves. Sweet, we're almost done and he's finally content. Anti-kids gets up to deposit my check and while she's gone Cason throws the snow globe which lands on the metal frame of the chair and bursts open, spilling glitter and water everywhere. That'll teach Chase to use cheaply made snow globes for decoration. But I think it unfortunately just reinforced Anti-kids belief that kids are a pain. She's so wrong though, even though they embarress me sometimes there's nothing better than being their mommy. How could you resist this?

Finally my internal seasonal clock has reset! For months I've felt out of place with the year. How could we think about Christmas when it was 60 degrees out just last week? I had to work on Halloween, for me it didn't happen. We were travelilng over Thanksgiving and again it was incredibly warm. I'll take the cold we're getting now gladly because it's put me in the Christmas spirit. I feel like baking, decorating, shopping. Especially shopping!

Another great thing about this week - Cason's better. We had gastroenteritis...rotavirus....the flu, whatever it was it was nasty! Thankfully, he seems much happier to be healthy and that makes this mama's life so much easier.

Busy days

We had a great Thanksgiving weekend. We met Josh's parents in Iowa and stayed in a cabin. It worked out really well with the four of us (Josh, me and the boys) all staying in the same room. Luckily the closet was big enough to put the pack n play in there so Cason could have his own spot. Jonah slept on a cot on the floor. The first night we didn't sleep much as the boys were adjusting but they were fine the rest of the time. Jonah did well, we're seeing that travelling is a little stressful for him, but he seemed to know when he needed some time alone and would retreat to one of the bedrooms for some rest.

We had our first appointment with the psychologist last Wednesday. It was very interesting and he asked a lot of questions about what Jonah was like as a baby. It's interesting to look back and see how there were signs even back then. Jonah was an extremely easy baby. He never fussed. I've always carried a bit of regret for scheduling his day because I thought it contributed to me not being able to breastfeed for as long as I wanted to, but now I can look back and see that it was the right thing to do. He would not have indicated hunger on his own. He was always content to be alone. I often thought he was having conversations with angels (still do) because I would come to his room and he'd be laying in his crib babbling away in his own language. The doctor did not indicate that he disagreed with our belief that he has Asperger's, though he couldn't confirm or diagnose anything because he stills needs to see Jonah. We took home some rating scales that are designed to give a strong indication for diagnosis for us and my parents to fill out, and he gave us a book to read about Asperger's. We'll be taking Jonah in to see him on December 6th. He also said he'd like to do some testing on him, but for him to do it is really expensive and insurance doesn't pay for it, so he was going to find some information for us to have it done through the public school system, which is free.

In other news, I had hoped to get back into a good routine today. Get some laundry done and organize the house a bit (it's time to get those Christmas decorations out!). But we were woken up at 5 a.m. by the sound of Cason vomiting. So we're taking things slow today. We'll head to the doctor a little later because I think he may have an ear infection on top of this flu bug. What's remarkable to me is that Jonah had this same bug at 17 months. I guess the experience helps because with Jonah I was totally freaked out by it.

After reading my last post I wanted to say a little more about Jonah's performance at the Thanksgiving program. I've done my complaining now I do some praising. He was so cute! I'm still getting used to this child in school stage and am definately learning by experience. Somehow these unwritten rules slip past me quite a bit, that is until I've experienced the embarresment of missing one. I had this trouble at their Fall party when all (most) of the other moms brought goody bags to share and I totally spaced it. Today was a matter of dress and photography. Though it wasn't everyone most of the other parents and children were dressed to the nines. It was as if they were going to the symphony. I was proud that I had managed to get my hair done and put some makeup on, ha! One little boy had a cute little courderoy suit with tie on. And I had realized about halfway to school that this was possibly one of those moments that the camera should've come along, but by then it was too late to turn back. Lucky for me every other parent was on top of their kodak moments, so I was able to ask another mom to catch of few of Jonah. But I was still very proud of my dressed down little boy. He seemed to sing the loudest, smile the biggest, and he had every movement memorized to the T. I even got big smiles from the other parents as they watched him. Some of Jonah's favorite school songs are The Itsy Bitsy Spider, which in their song includes itsy bitsy's friends teeny tiny, big fat, and speedy speedy, The Wheels on the Bus, and If You're Happy and You Know It.

Rough morning

We haven't figured out the trigger to it but there seems to be days where Jonah just digs in his heels and refuses to do anything we ask of him. This morning is a school day for Jonah. He loves going to school but today was a little different. Today was their Thanksgiving program so we didn't have to be there until ten o'clock. I don't know if he could tell the difference or not but it was all I could do to get him out the door. We got there and the program was great, he was wonderful, very animated singing the songs and I beamed with pride. There was a juice and cookies time in their main meeting room and that's when things really started breaking down. He started getting wound up and chasing and shoving some of the other kids. I was there by myself and holding Cason so there wasn't much I could do to settle him or remove him from the situation. Luckily Mrs. G saw this happening and got down to talk to him which settled him enough for me to convince him to go with me to get his coat. Once his coat was on though he refused to leave. I figured he was having a hard time because the routine of their day was completely gone so I suggested he hang out with Mrs. Graber for a little while. I asked her if she would mind watching him while I got my van and I could drive up for pick up like they do every day. She understood and we were able to go. He was still upset though. I let him know we were going to the post office because if I don't go the same way home from school he gets very upset. I thought letting him know in advance would help. It didn't. He freaked out when I passed the road we normally take and told me I had to go back, actually begged me to go back. I reminded him we were going to the post office and luckily there was a big shiny green semi truck behind us, so that appeased him a bit. When we got to the post office he wanted to stand by the wall where they have little trinkets for sale. I usually just let him hang out by that wall until I'm done waiting in line and ready to go and usually by then he's ready to go too. Not today, he again refused to leave. This time I didn't have a friendly preschool teacher to help me out either. So I tried every trick in the book. Nothing worked. After about ten minutes, the guy behind the counter took pity on me and offered me a sheet of stickers "if I needed a carrot to dangle in front of him". I thanked him profusely and did just that. Jonah was not grateful, and only became demanding about them, I gave him one sticker for getting in the van, though even that felt like too much of a reward. It's days like these that we just don't know what to do or what we're going to do.

Slow start to a busy week around here. I've got to get myself organized otherwise the rest of the week will probably not go well. Tomorrow is Jonah's Thanksgiving program at preschool. I got a preview of it last week while I was there for Jonah's snack day, but it should be nice to visit with the other moms. Then I have to work tomorrow night. Wednesday we have our appt with the psychologist. Thursday we leave for Iowa to spend Thanksgiving with Josh's parents. Inbetween all of that I need to do laundry and pack everything for the weekend, grocery shop for the things that we'll need for the weekend (first I need to make the list though), and make out lists for Christmas presents because for the first time I'm attempting to 1. shop early (yes this is early for me) and 2. shop on Black Friday. This website is helping me out www.bfads.net with that.

But it's almost 10 and we are still moving slow. Jonah's watching the Cars movie yet again while wearing his race car costume and Cason's playing in the play room. Ah, I've always been a believer in what needs to get done will get done even if it's at the last minute.

Well since a few people have been asking I thought it needed to give an update on how we're doing. We're doing good.

I guess there's more to it than that. We have just relaxed and decided to wait and see what may come. I feel little doubt that Jonah has Asperger's and look forward to beginning the process of learning how to better communicate with him. My only fear at this point is that we would have a hard time getting the diagnosis. I've been reading stories of parents getting wrong diagnosis' for years until the child is finally in 1st or 2nd grade and the current interventions still aren't working. Although these were all stories of children who are now pre-teens or teenage so I'm hoping there is more understanding now then ten years ago. At some point I'll post descriptions of the ways Jonah fits the diagnostic criteria.

We're having a good day. After a busy week we're having a lazy day. Well the boys are, I've been busy cleaning and doing laundry. But we are all still in our pajamas at one o'clock in the afternoon, so we're definately relaxed today. Hopefully Josh and I will have relaxing night too since the rest of the weekend is extremely busy. The rest of this year feels gone already, since the break in our schedules doesn't come until after the new year.

It's starting to sink in how we can't change this. I was starting to feel like things were easier because of having more patience. Yesterday and today we realize that giving him more patience doesn't change him only us. But I'm still human and today I'm tired. I don't want to be patient. It feels horrible.

I wish it were easier to get past the appointments. I don't like being in limbo. At times I think we both doubt ourselves. Maybe we just haven't parented him right? Would it be easier to deal with if it were our fault? I don't know. There will be some comfort in having someone else, someone who has the creditials, telling us that it is Asperger's.

It's hard to wrap my mind around it all. If he were blind, we would tell people he's blind and they would know he couldn't see, simple. But to say he's mildly autistic, what does that mean? Being blind isn't a disease, it's a disability, just like this. Will people understand that his disability means he might act stubborn or rude or selfish? And that there's little we or he can do about? Will we have to announce it everywhere we go?

Josh and I have been pouring over information on Asperger's these last few days. It seems like every conversation starts with "One thing I read..." Though it may be a little while before we have a formal diagnosis we both know in our hearts that this is Jonah. Over breakfast this morning I was telling Josh this is an interesting lesson for me in accepting that sometimes good and bad have to come together to have value. Though hopefully AS won't define every part of Jonah, the parts of him that we've always been amazed by are caused by the same thing that brings out the parts of him that we've seen as problems. Somehow it gives even more value to who he is. We are both glad that we didn't know about this until now. Had he been born and was diagnosed right away we may have taken for granted things that we love about him. When he learned all the shapes and could tell you how many sides each one had at 2 1/2 we might have overlooked it, saying oh it's just because of Asperger's. And when he acted out it may have felt like an affliction. Instead we still hold onto the pride and amazement for what he knows and can do, but are also finding a patience we never had before for the struggles.

What's happening as far as getting a diagnosis...We have an appointment scheduled with a psychologist for November 22nd to go over an extensive history of behaviors and to fill out some questionaires. After that we'll schedule a second appointment to bring Jonah in to be evaluated by the doctor. I'm also going to call his pediatrician on Monday. We're undecided yet about contacting our local Autism support group, we sort of feel like we should wait for confirmation.

A breakthrough week

It's only Thursday but this week has been one of those weeks that signifies a huge change to our life. It's like the week we got married, or the week we found out we were pregnant with Jonah, the week he was born, or the one we found out we were pregnant with Cason or the week he was born. One of those times when you realize your life is going to change. Having the knowledge brings joy, anticipation, and maybe even some worry.

For the last several months we've been searching for some answers to how to be the best parents that we can be for Jonah. We've read books, asked for advice, searched the internet and have come up empty handed. Until this week. Though Josh isn't even sure himself what made him think of it (the only explanation for us would be it was God prompted), on Tuesday he decided to research autism. I was working and as he searched things started to piece together, though not completely. When I came home he told me about his thoughts and I remembered hearing about a autism disorder called Asperger's Syndrome. As we have researched we have found that it is very likely that Jonah has Asperger's Syndrome. Some people discribe Asperger's as having a dash of autism.

The amount of emotions this realization has brought about for us is amazing. I'm starting this blog as an outlet for those emotions and as a place to tell our families journey.