New do!

The word hairdo is very weird to me right now. It's one of the moments where you say a word over and over again too much until it seems totally nonsensical. I'm glad I don't have to learn english as a second language!

Josh has been pleading with me to chop my hair off for two years now. I've had it ultra short before but have been chicken for the last couple of years for some silly reason. Every time I go to get it cut I come home with basically the same cut. To make it worse I usually wait 3 weeks too long to get it cut again so by the time I go it looks terrible. So Monday night before I left for my appointment, he once again said "chop it!" He even got Jonah in on it and got him chanting "chop it! chop it!" I wasn't going to. I was gonna do the same old, same old. But just as we were getting to the styling part, she trimmed my bangs and they were a little shorter than normal and I thought hey I kinda like that. My stylist knows how he loves it short and how every time he asks me to chop it off, so she knew what I wanted when I said let's go for it. And off it came. I love it! If there's a moral to this story I wouldn't say it's that I should've listened to my husband two year ago, it's just that sometimes when you wait long enough, you'll surprise yourself and make your husband VERY happy in the process. Here's the result:

It's been snowing a lot the last couple days. That along with various other reasons has kept us relatively homebound lately. This morning we woke to more snow and a ton of school delays. I called Jonah's school make sure they'd be open and they were and since I was wide awake, showered and dressed already I decided to brave the roads. Jonah's been getting mischevious lately so I thought he could use some time out of the house. By mischievous I mean where he starts getting nosy about things in cabinets he should just leave alone, like medicine or cleaners. When he was younger I caught him on different occasions eating lotion, toothpaste (warranting a call to poison control), and something else that's too embarrassing to mention (not the trash). Anyway, he's been waking up ridiculously early too, so even if the roads were bad we were going to school.

When I picked him up, I promised him we would play outside when we got home. Last year we bought him a winter jacket and snow pants set on ebay after the one snowfall we had so the snow pants never got used. They're are a little short on him this year, but with boots they'll do for the rest of the winter. He seems to like them quite a bit and is still wearing them an hour after we came in. Playing in the snow was another story. We went out and he was not happy. Too cold and too bright. Children with Asperger's are often highly sensitive to temperature and light, so I should've guessed this would happen. We stayed out for about 2 minutes. I managed to snap one picture. We may try again tomorrow, we have a pair of ski goggles that are tinted that he could wear if it's bright again and we just have to bundle up a little bit more.

Insomnia induced self revelations

So yesterday morning I woke up with a bad cold. I started mega dosing with Vitamin C and hopefully it won't last long but it kept me from being able to sleep last night. I took myself to the couch at 11 hoping I could fall asleep there. At twelve I was still awake to hear Cason crying, he was cold so I added a sleeper to the two piece jammies he was wearing, laid him back down and again prayed to fall asleep. But instead my mind was working overtime and trumped my body's ability to fall asleep. I was thinking about friendship.

I'm in the process of making a new friend. I met her at Jonah's school, her son is in Jonah's class. I was the first to meet her when her son started a month after all the other kids and we sort of hit it off. When we have class events her and I tend to gravitate toward eachother. Well I've been thinking that it would be sad to get to the end of the school year without seeing if we could be friends, so I asked her if she wanted to get coffee sometime while our boys are at school. I've never been very proficient at friend making or friend keeping so this whole thing makes me anxious. And anyone else in their late twenties/early thirties with little kids at home knows how hard it is make friends.

So here's the thing that is smacking me in the face. This isn't pretty. When I was younger I was sort of the outcast. I wanted popularity so bad it made me an easy target. Eventually it made me weird, suspicious, and demanding of my friends. Though I still feel regret and some sadness over those situations, I can't really blame the ones who decided to move on. This has carried over into my adult life and has even affected my marriage at times. Last night I was laying awake thinking about all this when a horrible realization hit me. I've spent so many years believing that people won't accept me for who I am and that's why friendship is difficult for me. But as I've been thinking about this new friend, I realized that I have a pre-conceived idea of what my friends should look like. I don't just mean appearances though. So there it is, I'm the one who's not accepting people for who they are. I took what happened to me as a child and used it as a judgement on how everyone who came after would treat me. Then I took it even further and treated others the way I had been treated. I hope that realizing this can help me begin to change the pattern.

I need a new camera!

Yesterday the boys were sitting together on the couch. The were being cute and showing some good brotherly love so I tried to get some pictures. For some reason I have the hardest time getting good pictures, I probably get one out of every fifty that's actually good. The boys are constantly moving so it's impossible to get a good shot of them together. I can't use the red eye reduction flash either because it's so slow that by the time it takes the pictures one of them is in the next room. So these are the pictures I got.

Cason's eye's look funny because my red eye reducer didn't recognise his eyes.




Another funky red eye reduction, ugh!

Jonah got up early this morning, so I got out of bed to check on him and to give him a blanket for keeping warm on the couch. I don't mind letting him be up by himself so I usually go back to bed when he gets up early. When I brought him the blanket he said he got up because of a bad dream. He's been having these more frequently lately and it makes me so sad. He said a big black robot was chasing him, trying to crush him and then it's arm fell off. Hmmn, that sounds familar, doesn't it? I don't know when he saw the Incredibles last and usually if I watch it with him I edit so much out that he doesn't see the robot parts. I think his mind can't let go of things like that.

Bad Mood + Good Music = Relaxation

I've been grumpy since last night. Just dug myself into a funk and couldn't work it out somehow. I'm tired, crabby, achy. I'm sick of cold, gray weather already. Tired of runny noses and cooped up kids. I thought a little bit ago that I was about to lose it. But I laid Cason down for his nap, sent Jonah to the play room for rest time and plopped onto the couch with the computer and ipod. A couple weeks ago Josh found a band online and thought I would like them. He was right. I love finding new music that stirs me. Stuff that makes me think and inspires me to move from where I am. This is that kind of stuff. They're a little unknown but creating a buzz. I'll just give you a hint for now, a few of their songs are on my Dengler Life playlist to the right. After listening to a couple songs I can feel myself relax. It's a good thing too, I need to straighten up the house for Josh's men's group tonight and then get ready for work. And I haven't eaten lunch yet, I should get moving.

Blogger's acting weird, I've been trying all day. I'm starting to reallly like Monday's. They are actually my moment to exhale after the busy-ness of the weekend. Today I've been knee deep in laundry. The pile on the laundry room floor this morning was seriously two feet deep by five feet wide. I guess it's been a while, since it seems like just about every article of clothing in our house was dirty. But for some reason I'm in "cleaning enjoyment" mode. Did I just say that? Seems like an oxy-moron. I like a clean house, I just usually don't like to do the work to get it that way. Maybe that changing is just another symptom of getting older. Josh and I have recently discovered that we're both addicted to coffee. He's so far gone he even gets that caffiene withdrawal headache on Saturday mornings. The funny thing is we don't even own a coffee maker (that's changing soon, thanks Gevalia!). Anyway, it just feels like a smack on the forehead, yep, you know you're getting older when you like coffee at any time of the day. Of course I'm a long way from taking it black, I still like it loaded up with plenty of flavor/sugar. Which is why it's a guilty pleasure.

A Bears/Colts Superbowl!?

I can't believe it! This is a dream come true for my family of Chicago to Indiana transplants. Either win will be celebrated and mourned though, that's a little weird. I feel a little bad too for Josh who has to share his 30th birthday with this unlikely but actually happening event.

I had a little scare today with Cason. I had put him down for a morning nap today because he's got a cold and I thought he could use the extra rest. He was fine for a while but about an hour and a half later he started crying pretty insistently. I waited a little bit and when he didn't stop I went to check on him. I walked in and he was sitting up cutely with his legs dangling out of the crib. He was happy to see me so I thought it was nothing, until I tried to pick him up. He wouldn't budge. I looked a little more closely and realized his right leg was stuck in the slats above the knee. I tried wedging it out and he started screaming. I started feeling a little panicky. I tried calling Josh half a dozen times, but knew that there wasn't much he could do to help because he was an hour and a half away. I managed to get Cason's jammies off and I could see that his leg was red and swelling a little. Now I start thinking the worst, what if his leg is broken and I can't get him out. Luckily we have a friend whose a fireman/paramedic. I'm thinking if I have to get a saw and cut the slats to get him out, I want a fireman around since they're supposed to be good at that sort of thing. I called Laura and asked if Trevor was home and told her what was wrong, she said he'd be right over. He and Kayley showed up and all he had to do was pull the slats with both hands while I guided his leg out. He was all smiles at his freedom. I felt kinda silly about it then, seeing as I was on the verge of tears when I called, but I still don't think I could've gotten him out on my own. Cason's no worse for wear, the inside of his knee is bruised, but he still had me chasing him around all afternoon.

I am really not a morning person. I think part of Jonah's problems with getting ready in the morning is because of me. Okay so it's probably a big part. Getting back into the groove of him being in school has probably been harder on me than him. Today, a non school day, I had to be at the church for a meeting by 9 so we still had to get going early. Jonah woke up at 4:45 today. I got up and told him it was too early to be up. I think he went back to bed, although I think Josh had to send him back to bed again at 5:45 when he got up. Luckily he slept until 7:45 after that, it would've been later I think if he hadn't heard me get up. I've got to find a way to sleep better at night, because life is headed toward me having to be more of a morning person. I feel a nap coming on sometime today.

Jonah loves drawing trucks. One time we gave him his own notebook for doodling in, it's completely full of pictures of semi-trucks. He even draws the lug nuts on the wheels. Usually the trucks are "Jonah" trucks because he writes his name on the trailer part. Sometimes they are "Mommy" trucks. Lately he's been branching out and drawing Mack from the cars movie, complete with number 95 and a lightning bolt. Or for some reason he's really into the number 100 so we've been seeing some 100 trucks. Anyway all that to say yesterday he blew me away. We were sitting on the couch and he was drawing on his doodle pad. He says "Look Mom! A truck pulling Alabama!" Now I think it happened by accident but what he had drawn looked exactly like Alabama and for him to recognize that amazed me. I wish I had gotten a picture of it but our camera batteries were charging.

Another neat thing from yesterday was the boys playing together. Jonah doesn't draw Cason into what he's doing and usually gets frustrated if Cason comes along to join in, so I usually try to keep them both occupied doing separate things. Josh and I got a wild hair to move our living room around yesterday and we weren't done by the time Cason was ready to get up from his nap. He was whining so I asked Jonah to go in and keep him company until we were done. Jonah went to the play room and got some toys and then went into their room and climbed into the crib with Cason and the two of them played together happily for the next 15 minutes or so. It's so fun to see that kind of bonding happening between them and Jonah actually enjoying the big brother role too.

Last night was such a great night. We went to Hacienda for dinner and the boys were so good. It's so nice to go out and actually be able to carry on a conversation with Josh instead of trying to settle two squirrelly boys the entire time. I guess they were both in need of a night out too, because they were just happy and content the whole time. Cason tried salsa for the first time. He seemed to really like it and kept going back for more. I'm gonna end up buying stock in salsa the way my boys like it. Josh said he can't wait for the day when he and the boys sit down to watch football and a sunday afternoon and down a whole thing of salsa. I don't think one will be enough.

Afterwards we went to Pet Supplies Plus and it was a busy place. We saw three dogs, one of them an English Mastiff. It was taller than Jonah and that made him a little nervous. He was a really gentle dog though. It made us nervous to see that Jonah was a little scared. We've been talking about getting another dog. Something smaller this time though. Jonah says he wants another dog, a brown and white one, so I think it'll be okay. Then we went to Pier One. This is the best time of year to go there, everything is on sale! We got a ton of candles and I want to go back sometime with out the kids. That place is sure to make your blood pressure skyrocket when you have little ones with you. Then it was off to Target. It was amazing that we got through three places and everyone was still in a good mood. Although I had Cason on my back in the Ergo and he kept giving me kisses and laying his head down. They were probably asleep before we even shut the door to their room.

It was such a great night. One of those times where I realize how blessed I am.

I can't say it anymore...

That I never win anything, that is. I used to never win anything but that streak ended yesterday. At church, our pastor announced this years theme. This year it's iLive. For the next couple weeks he'll give messages on iLive, iLove, iGive, iServe, and iGo. It was really awesome. So along with that they were given a donation to cover the cost of buying 15 iPod Shuffle's. They're giving one away in every service this month. So this takes me back to how I never win anything. As you walked in they were giving out tickets. I stuck it in my purse and sat down. I should add in here I wasn't in a very good mood going to church yesterday morning. I was dealing with some mental/emotional stuff and almost skipped church altogether. I'm so glad I went becasue it was a great service. Great worship and great message (and I won!). When it came time for Pastor Jim to draw a ticket out, Josh asked if I had gotten one on my way in. Oh yeah, I pulled it out and we check out the number. He say's the winning ticket is 8 7 7 3 5 _. Wait a minute only one number to go and I'm still in the running. He asked everyone who was close to stand up. I stood nervously. He repeats the number again 8 7 7 3 5 ..... 2! I can't believe it, cuz, you know, I never win anything, but that's my number! I think I was probably grinning from ear to ear. A couple people said, Yay Amy! Afterwards I had a lot of new best friends.

The thing is, though, I sat down after Pastor Jim handed the iPod to me and thought that God is so amazing. It felt like he was giving me so much more than an iPod. Like I had been singled out by Him to get a touch, a reminder that He's with me and I'm special to HIm. It may seem like I'm overreaching with that thought, but I can't change that my mind on that. I'm just thankful for the touch.

Mom, get out of here!

Those were the words just said to me by my four year old son. He's rattling around in the bathroom so I decided to check out what's happening. He's sitting on the toilet taking his time, I guess. I seriously thought it would be a couple more years though before I would hear those words. It's the "Mom" thing that gets me. Just in the last few days I've become "Mom". I keep trying to get him to call me Mommy, because I'm not ready to just be Mom. I have a hunch though that it's just a phase and I'll be Mommy or Mama again soon.

Things have been pretty good with Jonah lately. We had some rough days before Christmas and we're starting to feel pretty defeated. One of the struggles is realizing that no matter what we do or say there are going to be some bad moments. When people would ask us about Asperger's we would say we just have to figure out how to talk to him. We knew we were wrong, but we were believing that if we just got it right then everything would be okay. Our dr. reassured us at our last appointment that it's not going away, not something that we did wrong, or can make better with better parenting. That's so hard to accept when his problems are manifested in behavioral issues.

I'm not sure why but it seems like he has less anxiety right now. He's not resisting us so much. Much more open to suggestion and willing to try to tell us what he's thinking. We still have moments where he becomes incoherent with his frustration but we can usually get him to use words. I think somehow things are just not as frustrating for me right now too. On New Years Day we picked Jonah up from my parents house and told him that Nama and Pop were in town and we were going to go bowling with them. Well when we arrived at a restuarant for breakfast instead of the bowling alley he was not happy. I started to realize why he was upset then but he adjusted and it wasn't a huge deal. Then we needed to run home before going out again and Nama and Pop had to drop their dogs off at their hotel and again he was not happy when they showed up at the house. It was then that it really hit me that his problem was that he was stuck on the thought that we were supposed to be going bowling with Nama and Pop, not all the other stuff. He can't see past that original idea and we were messing it all up by adding other things into the day. Once we went to the bowling alley the rest of the day was great and there were no more problems.

Yesterday was a big test for him because we had Lisa and Andrew, Matthew and Katie over to play. I was a little worried beforehand because he is mighty territorial with his things, but all in all it was a great time. One thing I realized is that he can handle playing with one child really well, if more get added to the mix he starts getting anxious and upset. We managed to keep everyone occupied and relatively happy and Lisa and I even got in some good conversation.

Another plus was Katie and I got to try out her Easy Bake Oven for the first time. I always wanted one of those growing up and so I was excited to get one for her for Christmas this year. She had been patiently waiting since Christmas to use it for the first time with me. It was a special treat for me. Never mind the fact that the "cake" came out as hard as a hockey puck. There was chocolate frosting to spread on top and where there's chocolate there's happy kids. They all pronounced their tiny wedges yummy as Lisa and I chuckled. Hopefully the next treat will come out a little better.

Happy New Year!

The holidays are really over. Josh is back to work today and I don't think there is another three day week end until Memorial Day. We may just have to make one of our own. We had a great weekend and got to have a date for New Year's Eve. We went to dinner and talked about things we'd like to happen in 2007. How we'd like to be responding to our kids, to each other and to the world too. It was really good and I hope we can revisit those thoughts frequently. It's so great to feel like we enjoy being a team and working together. It doesn't come naturally and we have to keep working at it.

I feel like today is get organized day. Like if I have everything place today the rest of the year will go easier. What a terrible joke to play on myself. But atleast it gets things done today.

Cason's smiles

Time for my favorite pictures of Cason in 2006. When I look through all the pictures, I realize that in 9 out 10 he's smiling. His smile lights up his whole face and reaches out and grabs you to make you smile too. I think I probably have atleast a thousand pictures of Cason on this computer and seeing all those smiles again gives me a glimpse into why this has been such a great year. It's got me so thankful that I have not one little smiling son, but two. When I say it's been a great year, I have to clarify a little, see it's not all been so great. There were some really difficult and emotional things that happened in this last year. Not too long ago I remarked to Josh that it was curious to me that at the end of this year I feel good. Meaning I'm not depressed. I've struggled with depression off and on over the years, but right now I'm content, I feel balanced, okay. There have been years past that have had much lesser pains and yet I've felt much more discontent. What's different now? I think having these boys in my life brings God closer. One of the ways God has been showing me his love is through my children. For every picture I have of them smiling, I must have received a hundred more smiles that were just for me. They're my daily reminders that God is good and will do what he says he will do, and for believing that I am blessed.

He was seven months old in January. This picture will always be one of my favorites.


A sneaky little grin...


Nine months old in March and starting to cruise.


It's blurry and his head is chopped off, but those eyes just say so much. Another all time favorite.


A brother is a good thing to lay on!


A first birthday party picture with Daddy.


Hanging around in October.


Look at all those teeth!


A Christmas morning smile just for me.

Year in Review

Down to the wire now! Only four more days left in 2006. This is that wonderful time of year when we look back on the year and recount our best and worst times. The goal of course is to try and include more of the good and less of the bad in the next year. The radio, t.v. and magazines are full of the top 100 "whatevers" of 2006, so without the actually counting, I thought I'd do some looking back here too. Today I'm starting with my favorite pictures of Jonah from 2006. Going from 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 brings about many changes in a little boys life and hopefully I caught some of those moments on camera.

A visit from my dear friend Nancy in January was a special treat for Jonah. She quickly became his "Ancy" and he was very sad when it was time for her to return home.


A sleepy smile after a bath on a cold day in February.


While this picture may not seem very noteworthy it signifies two major things in Jonah's life. In May, Jonah decided he was ready to go potty on his own all the time. It literally was as if someone flipped a switch and there was no looking back. The other part is it shows his absolute love of cars, he could pour over the weekly car ads for hours and the toilet was a great place to check it out.


Finally warmer weather means picnics outside!


Taking a break from learning to ride his bike.


His first time riding rides at the fair!


Opening presents at his fourth birthday party.


First airplane ride courtesy of Uncle Joel!


First day of school!!!


No Autumn is complete without a trip to the pumpkin patch.


Having fun in Iowa over Thanksgiving weekend.


One more from the trip to the fire station.


What a year for Jonah! I can't wait to see what's in store for him over this next year. Looking back is a good reminder that when you're four everyday can bring a new experience. I hope that I remember that more often and look for more oppurtunities to share those "firsts" with him.

Christmas

We started off Christmas morning very early to the sound of giggling coming from the boys' room. We hopped out of bed because we were afraid Jonah would come out and start opening presents without us. We met him in that hall with his announcement of "There's bunches of presents under the tree!" He was very excited to see all the presents and did great being patient when we said we were going to take it slow. Did I mention it was 6:45? Yeah we didn't want the excitement to be over before the sun even came up, so we let him open one and then play with that for a bit before the next one.

He was very excited to see a new table and chairs set from Nama and Pop.


A John Deere truck and tractor set he wanted very much! (sorry about the glare)


Cason with mommy enjoying a new truck.


Cason with his activity cube.


Jonah posing in a new Cars outfit.


We spent the rest of the morning organizing the playroom. We cleaned out tons of old toys to make room for the new table set and also an easel for Jonah. I have to say I think these boys are awfully lucky to have such a nice room for play.

We headed to my parents house just before noon to spend the rest of the day celebrating Christmas with Nana and Papa, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. It was a wonderful day!

Cason is 18 months old and a trip to the fire station!

Yesterday was my little guy's 18 month birthday! It feels like time has flown by since he was born. It has been a very busy 18 months! He's growing into such a neat personality. Such a happy boy with a laugh that bubbles out of him and makes everyone around him smile. He can be fiery and stubborn one minute and then cuddle close the next. He is still very into sucking his thumb while tugging away at his right ear. He's definitely an explorer as he never stays in one spot for very long.
From this:


To this:

That second picture is from our trip to the fire station yesterday. Josh's good friend Trevor is a fireman and invited us to bring Jonah for a tour of the fire station and trucks. This is a huge thing for a little boy who loves cars and trucks. Trevor gave us the VIP tour and let Jonah climb all over the truck and play with the lights and levers that controlled the water and some that lowered the ladders and all kinds of equipment. Jonah had a wonderful time and announced when we got home that when he grows up he's going to be a fireman/football player/race car driver. Here's some more pictures...

With all of Trevors gear on! That helmet was so heavy Jonah had a hard time holding his head steady.


Looking cute by the hoses.


Sharing the experience with his brother.


Happy as a clam!


The whole family.